I have an uncle!

So recently I have been dealing with mixed issues considering my grandfather as a loving, caring, deeply positive role model when he never smiles in photographs and basically killed himself through binge eating himself to obesity.  Resulting in several heart attacks and ultimately caving to the stress on his heart.

Through this process, I have been grieving for the sake of not grieving because it is seriously a hardship and a sadness that I feel nothing when it comes to my grandfather passing away, and one could say it is because I am thousands of miles away and do not get to see him up close and personal pass away.   I do consider this a factor, but I would still argue that I do not have the loving, caring, hugging, warmness in my body when I think of him.  I think of him as a damaged, poor man who suffered very many tragedies and ultimately tried coping with his problems by eating himself into the grave.  Trying to soothe his brain via pies and chips versus confronting his problems head on.  I know it was truly, truly painful the things he went through.  They say the funniest people in our lives are often the most miserable and this is the experience I have.  So many friends and strangers saying and sending their love and how much they will miss him, but if you truly knew who he was, I feel he was someone much, much different than he resorted towards.

This brings me to my adventure, journey, expedition of finding out who my grandfather truly was, and what exactly caused him so much pain, anguish, and trauma that he resorted to wearing this 5 inch thick steel armor that was as impenetrable as the Hulk or the Juggernaut.  I will start with Sofies family, as they have helped me brainstorm and explore what exactly I am looking for when it comes to my grandfathers life.  He was a very very quiet person until you got on his nerves, then he would yell, and get angry, and almost have tantrums like a little child would.  You’re not going to behave the way I want you to?  Then get out of my house, and do not talk to me again for 4-5 years.  This is what my grandfathers solution was for all family members.  More on this later.  Sofies Aunt and Uncle helped me discover that my grandfather had other siblings who were still alive!  I only knew of his older brother, Roger, but there are two younger siblings.  One of them is 20 years younger than my grandfather!  This is my uncle!  The one in the Title!  I was reconnecting with my uncle because I saw him post on Facebook how much he missed my grandfather and all the good things he had done for him growing up.  Remember, he’s 20 years older than him, and probably had a significant time raising him with football games, playing catch, and taking him for rides in his fancy car!  However, in reconnecting with my uncle, he almost seemed to know exactly what I was searching for in terms of my mixed feelings because he has them too!  He explained that my grandfather had dealt with two of his three children perishing in a horrible flash fire which resulted from a water heater exploding while two children played next to it, maybe they trigged it to explode by turning out the pilot light or something, I do not know.  I suppose the whole house would have exploded then.  However, my infant father was rescued by a neighbor who rushed into the house while it was burning and I do not know if he rescued the two other children.  My father was the only one to come out alive, besides my grandmother but I do not know where she was at the time, I assume my grandfather was working, and my grandmother either became an alcoholic because of this or after.  This information is so helpful because he describes how my grandfather developed this personality that would lack any empathy, one time while my uncle was sleeping, as a child, my grandfather came in, picked him up off the bed, and slammed him down on the bed and scared the ever living out of him.  My great grandmother came in and yelled at him for what he did and apparently, years later, would not come to my uncles wedding because children were not allowed to come, and he refused to go by my uncles wedding terms.

Then finally, probably the most heart-breaking part of the story, is every time my grandfather or his older brother, or even my father drove by my uncles house on the way up to Michigan, he said they would never stop by his exit, they always drove past and never said hello.  And I think of all the cruel things we have experienced in this world, that family is the last thing you should turn your back on.  I am sorry, but my uncle was not an alcoholic, he was not an abusive person, and he was not guilty of any crime other than loving his family and his brothers and the least they could have done was shown a little fucking love back.  Thats what I am pissed off about.  You can be there for birthdays, and graduations, wedding, but if you do not show some fucking loving, hugging, emotional empathy towards kids or siblings or parents.  You deserve to die miserable.  And I refuse to submit to the subjugation our parents put us through just because they are our parents.  Show me some fucking love.  Why else do you have children for?  Stop hurting your kids, and stop neglecting them.  You will not be disappointed, or if you are, then stop having them!

—  Justin —

Depression

Sometimes the world feels like its crumbling around you but instead of the Earth breaking away from you, it feels like your own body is falling away.  I was taking care of some children today at work and teaching them how to play frisbee.  They really enjoyed learning and they even showed me a new way to throw one.  I don’t know how it worked, but I just accepted it and watched in wonder.  Sometimes you pick up on the subtler things like someone noticing you or getting a call from a friendly voice.  Gabor Mate

Today I decided to get a lot of chores done because having a clean house is always uplifting.  Especially when you have company (Khaleesi watching and begging for food).  I can’t say she begs, but we have this understanding between us.  When she looks up at a cupboard, or hops on a chair in front of a closet, I know she is telling me something.  Because usually her day consists of watching Cat TV (out the window or balcony) and not being bothered by me.  However, sometimes she will start randomly climbing her tree in our bedroom and kick wildly against the twine column.  On a side note, I enjoy watching her sleep at the end of our bed and have that heavy sensation in the front of her face. (She lays her chin completely down against the bed where I know she is comfortable and about to start dreaming.  Lately she has been very energetic and dreaming vividly as well, her paws stretch and shake while her tail vibrates and shakes.  She’s probably chasing imaginary birds because earlier she made a giants leap off the bed when she heard a flock of birds flying past our balcony!  (OMG She might catch one if it flies through the net!)

Back to the human reality, I made some deviled eggs after talking with my grandmother today.  She always made the best deviled eggs and Im proud to say my first attempt is a big success thanks to Sofie and her cooking lessons.  Before I met Sofie, I probably couldn’t cook a decent hamburger or hotdog because I had grown up with my dad or uncle always managing the grill.  Even fourth of July and Memorial Day weekends didn’t have me firing up any grills, probably because I’m not a huge fan of steak.  Any who, Sofie started me off slowly and I began cutting vegetables in the beginning (I can’t really handle cutting meat because it just grosses me out, chicken especially.) but onions, peppers, lettuce, tomatoes, I could handle them all thanks to her.  She’s showed me so many things over the past 5 years, and she continues showing me new things every day.  I love her immensely for the things she has taught me and many other things.  Mostly the way she laughs when were out with friends or family.  It feels impossible to not relate to her or have a positive experience with her because she’s so caring and so warm.  Sometimes when I have those dark thoughts surging up through my super-ego it brings me to my knees, but when I think of her and our future together it makes me feel relaxed and aimed towards a goal.

The surge of emotions I’m talking about is what my brother and I like to call “The Storm” because seemingly out of nowhere a person can be or feel crippled by the world or mind closing in on your personality.  It feels as if a rising storm surge is spattering against the rocks of your foundations and the tide slowly rises with the incoming category 4 or 5 hurricane beading down your walls and hoping they won’t crack before the storm subsides. Inevitably, the storm does go away, I feel myself coming back to reality and reasoning it is going to be okay.  The sun shine comes and my thoughts are clear again, the only problem is holding out for that storm to subside.  Usually I have these thoughts late at night when I am alone with my thoughts.  The English psychiatrist R. D. Lang said “There are three things people fear most, their own death, other people, and their own mind.”  I couldnt agree more with the last part because at times it feels like my mind is completely going back and forth without a rational way of dealing with it.  How do we get over this, alone time with our brains create an uneasiness that I think most people can understand.  Its partly why I wind up here on the internet and writing to everyone.  I know other people out there like to hear or read the same things they may be feeling at the same particular moment or like I consider when needing a voice of reason I listen to Stefan.  I recently subscribed to his listenership and I am contemplating writing in to his show to see what kind of debates or ideas I can bring up together.  I am half scared I will end up being unsure and messing up the show by not answering consistently or proficiently.  What else can I say than YOLO and do some preparation and go for it!

“This was one of the best moments in my life.  Rhode Island with my Honey Bunny.”

— Justin —

The foundation is love

Yesterday it was exactly 5 years ago that I met my fiancé for the first time. At that lakehouse in Annapolis. Time passes so quickly. Throughout these years I’ve learn a few things about relationships that seem to be important to me (don’t know if others feel the same?). Because, let me tell you, it has not always been as sweet as honey. Even though I love him with all my heart sometimes it’s taken hard work to stay together. Good building blocks in any relationship is in my opinion trust, loyalty and respect, which may be built by using the tools below.

First. Communication. In any relationship, love – friendship – coworker, communication is key. You won’t always agree and sometimes you will just have to agree to disagree, but without communicating you will never be able to solve any issues. Remember too that communicating is not only to solve the problems you have, it is also about sharing ideas and learn from each other!

Second. Kiss often. It is important to show affection to each other. When I get kissed or touched by Justin it feels like my heart swells up and my feelings for him grow. This also makes me want to kiss and touch him more. Therefore, it becomes a positive spiral. Of course this could go in the opposite direction as well. If nobody is kissing or touching, it may result in a negative spiral. Sometimes you get stuck in a negative spiral, when we do that and it does not feel good we usually go back to the first point – communication.

Third. Laugh together. Life is sometimes very busy and it may be hard to find time to do the things you like to do. However, spending time together is crucial. It does not have to be much, just eating dinner together, watch a movie, play some cards or just sit and talk. The more time you spend together the more possibilities you have to communicate with each other, kiss each other and laugh together!

Fourth. Spend time with others alone. Sometimes you just have to do things without your partner no matter how much you love him. If you do everything together you will never have any exciting news to tell your partner the next time you see him, because he already experienced everything with you. Moreover, it is important to just reload energy from other people and get inputs from someone else than your partner.

Fifth. Share responsibility of household chores. No matter how good you are with everything else no body in a relationship feels well if they have to take care of all the chores by themselves. Justin and I have been fighting a lot about chores, therefore we ended up making a schedule where we fill in whom did what. So far it has been working for us!

Of course when it comes to all of these different tools it is important that you find out what works for your relationship. Since what works for our relationship might not be the same as what you feel that you need in your relationship. Further, you might feel like the building blocks in your relationship are not the same as the building blocks in our relationship; trust, loyalty and respect. And if you use different materials you need different tools. This is something you have to figure out first by yourself and then in discussion with your partner.

— Sofie —