I have an uncle!

So recently I have been dealing with mixed issues considering my grandfather as a loving, caring, deeply positive role model when he never smiles in photographs and basically killed himself through binge eating himself to obesity.  Resulting in several heart attacks and ultimately caving to the stress on his heart.

Through this process, I have been grieving for the sake of not grieving because it is seriously a hardship and a sadness that I feel nothing when it comes to my grandfather passing away, and one could say it is because I am thousands of miles away and do not get to see him up close and personal pass away.   I do consider this a factor, but I would still argue that I do not have the loving, caring, hugging, warmness in my body when I think of him.  I think of him as a damaged, poor man who suffered very many tragedies and ultimately tried coping with his problems by eating himself into the grave.  Trying to soothe his brain via pies and chips versus confronting his problems head on.  I know it was truly, truly painful the things he went through.  They say the funniest people in our lives are often the most miserable and this is the experience I have.  So many friends and strangers saying and sending their love and how much they will miss him, but if you truly knew who he was, I feel he was someone much, much different than he resorted towards.

This brings me to my adventure, journey, expedition of finding out who my grandfather truly was, and what exactly caused him so much pain, anguish, and trauma that he resorted to wearing this 5 inch thick steel armor that was as impenetrable as the Hulk or the Juggernaut.  I will start with Sofies family, as they have helped me brainstorm and explore what exactly I am looking for when it comes to my grandfathers life.  He was a very very quiet person until you got on his nerves, then he would yell, and get angry, and almost have tantrums like a little child would.  You’re not going to behave the way I want you to?  Then get out of my house, and do not talk to me again for 4-5 years.  This is what my grandfathers solution was for all family members.  More on this later.  Sofies Aunt and Uncle helped me discover that my grandfather had other siblings who were still alive!  I only knew of his older brother, Roger, but there are two younger siblings.  One of them is 20 years younger than my grandfather!  This is my uncle!  The one in the Title!  I was reconnecting with my uncle because I saw him post on Facebook how much he missed my grandfather and all the good things he had done for him growing up.  Remember, he’s 20 years older than him, and probably had a significant time raising him with football games, playing catch, and taking him for rides in his fancy car!  However, in reconnecting with my uncle, he almost seemed to know exactly what I was searching for in terms of my mixed feelings because he has them too!  He explained that my grandfather had dealt with two of his three children perishing in a horrible flash fire which resulted from a water heater exploding while two children played next to it, maybe they trigged it to explode by turning out the pilot light or something, I do not know.  I suppose the whole house would have exploded then.  However, my infant father was rescued by a neighbor who rushed into the house while it was burning and I do not know if he rescued the two other children.  My father was the only one to come out alive, besides my grandmother but I do not know where she was at the time, I assume my grandfather was working, and my grandmother either became an alcoholic because of this or after.  This information is so helpful because he describes how my grandfather developed this personality that would lack any empathy, one time while my uncle was sleeping, as a child, my grandfather came in, picked him up off the bed, and slammed him down on the bed and scared the ever living out of him.  My great grandmother came in and yelled at him for what he did and apparently, years later, would not come to my uncles wedding because children were not allowed to come, and he refused to go by my uncles wedding terms.

Then finally, probably the most heart-breaking part of the story, is every time my grandfather or his older brother, or even my father drove by my uncles house on the way up to Michigan, he said they would never stop by his exit, they always drove past and never said hello.  And I think of all the cruel things we have experienced in this world, that family is the last thing you should turn your back on.  I am sorry, but my uncle was not an alcoholic, he was not an abusive person, and he was not guilty of any crime other than loving his family and his brothers and the least they could have done was shown a little fucking love back.  Thats what I am pissed off about.  You can be there for birthdays, and graduations, wedding, but if you do not show some fucking loving, hugging, emotional empathy towards kids or siblings or parents.  You deserve to die miserable.  And I refuse to submit to the subjugation our parents put us through just because they are our parents.  Show me some fucking love.  Why else do you have children for?  Stop hurting your kids, and stop neglecting them.  You will not be disappointed, or if you are, then stop having them!

—  Justin —

My dads father passed away part 2

After a good nights rest, I have figured I would jar loose more memories I personally had with my grandfather and they have to do with the last two or three times I met with him at our favorite italian restaurant.  My graduation from college was arguably one of the happiest times of my life, and proved I could persevere at the expense of my own mind and body through something so difficult yet come out on top.  I do not remember my grandfather being there, and I do not know if this is because he was not there or that he could not be there.  Either way, it was probably soon after I saw him there again with my brother and sister.  This time I do remember him treating my Aunts daughter, a loving, playful little girl with nothing but love and spark inside her, being snuffed out by her grandfathers yelling or sharp words.  I remember thinking to myself, I am scared again by his negative energy.  He had a sting of cruelty in his words and attitude towards her, and it leads me to several other reasons why I am so appalled and shocked by these actions.

First, my grandfather did this to us with the yelling and scaring of us kids.  Which seemed to take away from the moment or hurt the kids both subjected to the abuse and the kids around him who were dumbfounded at his loud scary attitude.

The second, and probably the worst I fear, is the idleness or indifference of me, the girls mother, her father, my brother, my sister, cousins, my father, aunts, uncles, no one stepped in and said do not be so cruel and scary to this sweet poor girl who was doing nobody harm.  She was just being a kid…  This hurt me on another level because family is meant to be the nicest, and most respectful, towards all kids and adults.  We have to help each other and I know now is not the time to dig up old wounds and there is an enormous amount of dysfunction I am panning over concerning my fathers relationship to my grandfather, and why they did not have a close bond until after my grandfathers first heart attack.  I will continue how important it is for others to step in and take care of their children, and protect them from abusers especially within the family.  My family stepping aside idly while children were being scorned is not okay.  This is how damaging relationships are formed between kids and their parents or grandparents.  My grandmother used to wave a spoon at us kids if we got especially rowdy, and my moms father would yell at us if we did something wrong, once again there was no talking, why this is important, why do we think it is important to learn from the mistake we just made.  I am not saying parents should not parent, but I am saying there is a difference between yelling at a child or striking them, compared to walking up to them, kneeling down towards them, and talking to them.  The most memorable moments I have with my family members are the times when things were calm and reflective.  Especially with my dad and his father.

After Sofie read some of my previous post, she commented how I have an almost identical sense of humor as my grandfather in that people do not know whether I am joking or not, this gets even more interesting while I speak Swedish!  They literally do not have any idea I am joking until I start saying extravagant numbers.  I do not know whether I am not being paid attention to or that type of humor just falls flat around my fiancees family.  However, other times I will be completely honest with people, and then they think I am joking because it seems so ridiculous when I tell the truth that it comes off insincere.  I do not know why this occurs, because it seems to have developed since the year 2009.  I am not sure whether to deem this a problem or an advantage because it makes me feel like I am not communicating properly or have a problem showing the right emotions when explaining things.  I think it is an ambiguous trait and maybe I am over analyzing it.  However, I would like to explore this further and make a note of it for later consideration.

Finally, I will talk a little bit more about the kind of abuse I think my grandfather suffered to become such a cold, firm, and hardened man towards his kids and everyone around him.  As a child himself, It would seem someone used that exact tone with him when he was growing up, we often pick up the most basic or fundamental aspects of child parenting from our parents and this is flawed because we should honor, respect, and teach our kids in a calm, submissive state with reflection and care.  This literally triggers the brain towards listening to your lecture and gives them a lesson, their prefrontal cortex can absorb and understand why this certain behavior is unacceptable or how it could lead to problems interacting with other kids or adults.  For example, talking to a child who is walking or crawling underneath tables at a restaurant may not be a dangerous event, but it should be addressed by parents why do you think it is not okay to crawl around under tables?  What could happen if someone accidentally kicks you?  Or something simpler like why is it not okay to hit your cousin or yell at him.  I find it most interesting how we correct bad behavior in children yet we may miss bad behavior in adults and rationalize it.  Yelling or spanking or disciplining a child involves the use of force, in other words, using your size and bullying a child into doing something you want them to do.  If you are trying to protect them from harm, like if they’re walking close to the edge of the Grand Canyon, you are going to tackle them.  Because you are saving their life or preventing them from harm.  However, my grandfather must have been raised with the yelling and threatening undertones of his mother and or father.  Im guessing my grandfathers father or mother did not work much during his early years as a child, but I could only guess what kind of trauma he suffered growing up never throwing away food, etc.  It must have been a horrible time to be a child, and his mother was not well liked by my moms grandparents, describing my grandfathers mother as very guarded towards them, but very open and firm control over her side of the family.  I do not know if this was due to fear, but I it sounds like something coming from respect and not love.  A loving person, this is just my opinion, would be communicating with their new grandsons wife, and interested in communicating with her.  Not only her, but my moms parents should have poked and got to know my dads side of the family.  They are the ones letting their daughter marry into this dysfunctionality.  I find it hard to believe my moms parents did not have a more active role in their daughters life, who is she marrying into?  My moms grandmother and my moms sister both instantly did not like my dad upon meeting him because he was “phony” or unrealistic.  He put on a show, and was all smiles and rainbows when they met him.  Half my mothers family was fooled and took this at face value, but the other half saw this and had the initial reaction for her (my mom) to run for the hills!

This is the other half of abuse I want to talk about, and maybe I should save for another post, but the person who chooses the abuser, why does this occur?  You see someone who is obviously expressing red flags via flirting with other women, (this was my father as he dated my mother) and NOT discussing how they would raise their kids.  My mom can sit and blame my father for all the hurtful, cruel, and emotionally abusing person he was, but in the end she chose him to be her loftly wedded husband.  Despite knowing his lack of empathy, and not addressing him flirting with other women (mostly waitresses).  She let it sit in the back of her mind and brew.  My grandmother had one or possibly few conversations with my mom before marrying my dad, recognizing her daughter had cold feet when wedding plans started coming together.  My question to my moms father is this, why did you not care or have an active role in fishing out this man interested in your daughter?  You are a man, and you know what can go on in mens heads, but my dad had found easy prey because there was essentially no bond between my mother and her father.  Why was there no bond?  Because he was a workaholic who moved his family several times at the expense of his family and left my mother feeling isolated and friendless every time they moved.  The abuse of neglect is just as effective if not worse because it leads to children feeling abandoned.  If I child spends more than 20 hours away from their mother every week, their body tells them they are being abandoned and prepares for fighting or defending for itself.

Sorry for the aimless rant, but I need for there to be focus on the dangers of letting a loved one fall into a toxic, hurtful, and bottomless pit of emotional abuse, violence, neglect, and manipulation.  This goes both ways too, why did my family not step in when they saw me dating a female version of my father?  Why did the women in my family not protect me from a life of damaging abuse and manipulation in my “phony” girlfriend?  My dad figured I would get tired of it after awhile, that was his response to me breaking up with her, and my womanly influence was consoling but agreed with me after the fact, that my ex-gf was a nice girl, but did not measure up.  Now I am proud to say my fiancee is “exactly the type of girl my mother planned me to end up with.”  This carries significant value for me and allows me to emotionally dive in full throttle and work at everything to make these efforts worthwhile.  Sofie and her family are a much more functional family and inspire me to bring my family up to the same speed if not more because I care for everyone in my inner circle to be non-aggressive, non-yelling, and non-name calling.

I see my cousins writing posts on their Facebook that my grandfather was a loving, caring, and great man.  I cannot help but feel mixed emotions when reading this.  Is my cousin only saying this because he has a different image in his head than the actual person?  I do not remember my grandfather being loving, ever.  Do I feel sad that I do not feel an emotional connection with him? Yes.  Very much so.  I feel like I have been robbed of a stronger relationship with him because of petty disagreements between him and my father.  I asked Sofie what she thought of him when they met once, and she thought he was very nice.  That he was very quiet, and did not say much.  I made the comment he was completely different than he usually was, probably because he was not raising his voice and he was very pleasant to talk to.  I am not trying to be harsh on my grandfather.  I loved him and appreciated the time he spent with me, but I cannot help but feel sad at the amount of emptiness I feel.  I feel I was robbed of many more years together and never could pierce his armor and find out what kind of closer person he was.  I grieve because of the connection I wish I had.  I know he was a more interesting and complex person, and I will change this with my family and future kids.

— Justin —

Today my dads father passed away

I have mixed feelings about my dads father.  I am not sure where to start so I guess to start from the beginning.

My first memory of my grandfather would be visiting his house (where we always visited him) and would usually receive a hug and some sort of joke.  He seemed to be a very complex man with many emotional problems or lacked a certain empathy that would be apparent in my mother.  He would talk often about what problems were bothering his kids or grand kids.  When my cousin Nicky would do something mischievous, my grandfather would all of a sudden start yelling at him to stop what he was doing, it would alert us and scare the living crap out what we were doing at that exact moment.  I would never say I feared my grandfather would hurt us, but he had a commanding presence when it came to correcting our behavior.  It makes me wonder what his childhood must have been like with the loud booming presence of his voice bringing us to his attention instantaneously.  However, the more I got to know my grandfather through the eyes of my cousins, my uncle, my father, and my mother, and grandmother, the more I realized there were underlying issues that were not resolved.  I will get back to those in a moment, but this paragraph I want to focus on what I experienced with him first hand.  When I grew up around him, he never had “heart to heart” conversations per-say, it was more “hows school going?” and hows your golfing?  I went on several golf outings with him, and he was always very witty, clever, and had a sarcastic sting to his words, but I always thought it was funny how he would poke fun at my cousin Billy and my Great Uncle Roger (My grandfathers older brother).  Both my grandfather and his brother were very macho-istic and had a sort of brotherly jesting between each other.  I don’t remember exactly what they would say, but I remember my grandfather directed most of his jests towards my cousin Billy, whom was 7 years older than me.  We generally had a wonderful time together, and I often wondered why we didn’t do it more often, say weekly or monthly.

My grandfather always struck me as a very mysterious type of person because every time I saw him, I often wondered why I don’t know more about him, where he grew up, what his family life was like, there was not an instinctual bond other than a surface layer camaraderie.  The reason I wondered this is because he always had this funny wit where you could never tell if he was serious of if he was joking.  This made it complicated when he would yell at my cousin Nicky and no other kids.  Why did he choose Nicky to take his focus and aggression towards?  Maybe I could have a chat with him since he seems very open to discussing these things with me, although we have not talked in some time.  My last well documented experience with my grandfather came in mid 2004 when my grandmother (his ex-wife) passed away.  This was probably the most revealing and or disturbing portion of my experience with him.  His ex-wife had passed away, the family had all gathered for her (Grandma Jean) funeral, and we were all sort of shocked because she died pretty fast.  I am still not sure what she died from, I do not know if there was an autopsy, and when I ask my dad what she died from, he does not give me a straight answer.  This makes me suspect she could have taken her own life.  Since she was under the care of my Aunt and Uncle at the time of her death.  Back to my grandfather, so were at the casket laying her to rest, and my grandfather is making silly faces or pointing at the casket and or jesting like nothing has changed (he’s basically exhibiting no empathy whatsoever) on the cemetery plot paid for by my dad, who probably insisted on paying for, because he figured his siblings could not afford to share the cost (which I think is bull shit).  But now I wonder why his father did not contribute to the costs since this was the woman who bore his six children…  This would cue me for later interest in why he maintained custody of the children after their divorce.  The lasting image I have of him is sitting there, laughing giggling, at his ex-wifes death made me wonder why?  Why the lack of empathy?  Where was the tears?  Why did he not have a single shred of remorse or sadness in him?

Looking at these examples, I think its obvious my grandfather was not raised well, he grew up during the vestiges of the Great Depression and seemed to complain there was not enough food around and had to always save food.  He could never throw it away because to do that would have meant death in the depression.  He would be very angry about wasting food, and he never talked about his mother or father.  The only person I have heard about is his mother, and she passed away when I was very young (6 or 7 years old) I remember it well because my Uncle was crying heavily at her casket.  Probably the only time I have seen him cry.  I have a lot of emptiness in my fathers side of the family and I hope to open more of them.  I can only imagine my grandfather suffered extreme abuse or violence to have such a considerable lack of empathy and it has infected his children via anger and intense dysfunction.  Whenever my mom talks about it, their dysfunction leaves her speechless.  She does not know where to imagine or help.  It alway made her uncomfortable.  If my dads father was this empty and had no strong connection, it leads to wonder what exactly did we miss out on?  My family says he was a loving, caring, and great person.  I am back to where I started, I do not know if he was good or bad, I would like to think he was good, but had such a damaged upbringing that it left him very abusive and unavailable emotionally.  This happens when parents spank, abuse, neglect their children, and I have heard from my grandmother that she did not like him (my grandfather) or his mother.  They were very matriarchal and worshipped her like she was the queen of the family.  I will finish with these thoughts: I wish I knew him better, and I wish I had the courage to reach out to him and ask him these questions, but I feel deep down that there was no connection between us.  He never reached out to me, kept in touch, or asked how I was doing?  How should I feel about this?  I am more upset that I do not feel anything, because I feel I was robbed of knowing an interesting person.

— Justin —

Depression

Sometimes the world feels like its crumbling around you but instead of the Earth breaking away from you, it feels like your own body is falling away.  I was taking care of some children today at work and teaching them how to play frisbee.  They really enjoyed learning and they even showed me a new way to throw one.  I don’t know how it worked, but I just accepted it and watched in wonder.  Sometimes you pick up on the subtler things like someone noticing you or getting a call from a friendly voice.  Gabor Mate

Today I decided to get a lot of chores done because having a clean house is always uplifting.  Especially when you have company (Khaleesi watching and begging for food).  I can’t say she begs, but we have this understanding between us.  When she looks up at a cupboard, or hops on a chair in front of a closet, I know she is telling me something.  Because usually her day consists of watching Cat TV (out the window or balcony) and not being bothered by me.  However, sometimes she will start randomly climbing her tree in our bedroom and kick wildly against the twine column.  On a side note, I enjoy watching her sleep at the end of our bed and have that heavy sensation in the front of her face. (She lays her chin completely down against the bed where I know she is comfortable and about to start dreaming.  Lately she has been very energetic and dreaming vividly as well, her paws stretch and shake while her tail vibrates and shakes.  She’s probably chasing imaginary birds because earlier she made a giants leap off the bed when she heard a flock of birds flying past our balcony!  (OMG She might catch one if it flies through the net!)

Back to the human reality, I made some deviled eggs after talking with my grandmother today.  She always made the best deviled eggs and Im proud to say my first attempt is a big success thanks to Sofie and her cooking lessons.  Before I met Sofie, I probably couldn’t cook a decent hamburger or hotdog because I had grown up with my dad or uncle always managing the grill.  Even fourth of July and Memorial Day weekends didn’t have me firing up any grills, probably because I’m not a huge fan of steak.  Any who, Sofie started me off slowly and I began cutting vegetables in the beginning (I can’t really handle cutting meat because it just grosses me out, chicken especially.) but onions, peppers, lettuce, tomatoes, I could handle them all thanks to her.  She’s showed me so many things over the past 5 years, and she continues showing me new things every day.  I love her immensely for the things she has taught me and many other things.  Mostly the way she laughs when were out with friends or family.  It feels impossible to not relate to her or have a positive experience with her because she’s so caring and so warm.  Sometimes when I have those dark thoughts surging up through my super-ego it brings me to my knees, but when I think of her and our future together it makes me feel relaxed and aimed towards a goal.

The surge of emotions I’m talking about is what my brother and I like to call “The Storm” because seemingly out of nowhere a person can be or feel crippled by the world or mind closing in on your personality.  It feels as if a rising storm surge is spattering against the rocks of your foundations and the tide slowly rises with the incoming category 4 or 5 hurricane beading down your walls and hoping they won’t crack before the storm subsides. Inevitably, the storm does go away, I feel myself coming back to reality and reasoning it is going to be okay.  The sun shine comes and my thoughts are clear again, the only problem is holding out for that storm to subside.  Usually I have these thoughts late at night when I am alone with my thoughts.  The English psychiatrist R. D. Lang said “There are three things people fear most, their own death, other people, and their own mind.”  I couldnt agree more with the last part because at times it feels like my mind is completely going back and forth without a rational way of dealing with it.  How do we get over this, alone time with our brains create an uneasiness that I think most people can understand.  Its partly why I wind up here on the internet and writing to everyone.  I know other people out there like to hear or read the same things they may be feeling at the same particular moment or like I consider when needing a voice of reason I listen to Stefan.  I recently subscribed to his listenership and I am contemplating writing in to his show to see what kind of debates or ideas I can bring up together.  I am half scared I will end up being unsure and messing up the show by not answering consistently or proficiently.  What else can I say than YOLO and do some preparation and go for it!

“This was one of the best moments in my life.  Rhode Island with my Honey Bunny.”

— Justin —

What is love?

The definition prescribed by my mentor Stefan Molyneux is that love is related to virtue, and how our virtues measure up with our partner meaning they agree with your virtues.  For example, not beating your children or partner, never yelling or raising your voice to another, or never calling each other names are virtues we can and should all ascribe to.  Stefans definition is also related to philosophical ideas.  Virtues were developed by philosophers like Aristotle and expanded upon by writers like Ayn Rand.  Rands definition of virtue was focused on the vice: Altruism.  She described altruism as the suffering of one to benefit the other.  This is particularly intriguing for me because if you love someone out of duty or honor or subservience, it is not out of the goodness of your being.  Instead its a focus on sacrificing your happiness for the happiness of others.  As I described before, Universally Preferable Behavior is a concept I am sticking meticulously towards because it benefits all parties involved, not just public entities but private and familial relationships too.  Family relationships and friends are vital for the trust and reliability to benefit each other.

Altruism, the opposite, or vice of Objectivism is the universally preferable behavior for all parties involved because it is deemed a win-win scenario in most cases for those involved.  Some specific scenarios like, if hitler and churchill were both drowning in a lake, you would save churchill and abandon hitler because saving an evil entity for the sake of altruism is a great injustice towards humanity.  In other words, performing an act of saving another life is only valid if you could not bear to live without that person.  If your wife or husband was drowning and you decided it would be unbearable to live without that person, you would jump into the icy cold waters and save their life and potentially killing yourself would be a greater benefit to you and your family than if your wife or husband were left to drown.  I could not bear to see myself live alone without my fiancee and therefore would have to go in and save her otherwise i would feel my life was pointless.  Or maybe I couldn’t forgive myself if I froze up and let her die and thus would have serious regrets later on.  Regrets are not unusual though, and people that die saying “I have no regrets” are liars and cowards because that means they don’t regret bullying or hurting another person they love in a prior situation.

I regret plenty of things in my life, I regret spending four years with my prior girlfriend before Sofie.  I regret pushing her and yelling at her.  I regret hurting my brother and sister in our childhood years, bullying them, antagonizing them, and patronizing them.  I regret hurting my friends Kevin by telling him to lose weight, and hitting my first girlfriend and simultaneously getting into a car accident because of it.  I rammed my car into the house, and it was a very scary moment for me.  My rage has been my ultimate regret because it has been used unsuccessfully to make myself feel better and has poisoned my relationships in the past.  Today, however, I am confronting my rage, my personal injustices and I feel great knowing I can control my anger so that it doesn’t become an uncontrollable rage.  Just now I knocked over some cookies and a lotion bottle from my night stand.  My immediate thought was, anger.  Why am I agree at knocking something over? It happens.  When Sofie knocks something over or hurts herself I don’t get mad and she has taught me to be more empathetic.  Why am I not empathetic you may ask, because the reason I feel anger when knocking something over, or if I trip myself, or hit my knee on the bedside.  Its because my fathers words are still inside telling me I am worthless, Im a klutz, or a bozo, or a dumb ass, or a person that shouldn’t be making mistakes.  I have lived in Sweden for nearly 3 years now, and spent 9 years in the U.S. military prior to this.  I have been away from home for several years, and I have discovered why I made such a good soldier…

My whole military career I was never good at much, my shining virtue or vice in the military was that I was good at taking orders.  This is a dangerous aspect of altruism as I will explain.  The soldiers in the second world war did not question sending jews into gas chambers and killing six million jews.  Altruism is taking the ideas of a megalomaniac and letting them tell you to kill others based on a false ideology.  Instead of talking things out and solving matters with discussion, they called upon soldiers to carry out the good of their country by sacrificing themselves and laying down their free will to kill in terms of an irrational cause.  This is why religion and governments are so dangerous because they take things by force (taxes and wars and arresting) people who do not obey their laws.  92% of americas prisoners are non-violent offenders meaning they are the failed result of the war on drugs.  Governments are only supposed to be there to keep violence off the streets, not arrest drug addicts and users.  But I will save this subject for another time.

My altruism was planted in my deep childhood recesses.  Starting with my circumcision, my brain told me the world did not want me, it wanted to hurt me.  So I developed an insane fear of needles and my dad would yell at me whenever I knocked things over even as a baby and toddler.  How does this make sense?  Abuse and yelling and neglect or abandonment are all actions our parents have over us children.  Defenseless children do not have a choice who their parents will be.  They only have a choice to how they can channel it.  Addiction comes from failed brain circuits developing and result in external medicine needed.  Addiction is a disease, not a crime, and these people are willing to waste away because of it.  “its not death they fear, its LIFE that they fear” because they’ve been raised in a world that tells them they are unwanted.  They are not needed and as a result their brain develops misshapen.  Doctors can look at PET scans and actually see the brain is damaged and does not develop absolutely necessary neural pathways needed for successful brain function.

Justin

The American

I have been listening to podcaster, his name is Stefan Molyneux.  He has been my current voice of reason whenever Sofie isn’t busy keeping me grounded (she works a lot and i have a lot on my mind.)  He often reminds me of the troubled childhood I had and I feel liberated to start journaling or blogging.  (Special thanks to Sofie for starting this.)  I have thoughts constantly, train of thought is more than just an expression, its literally a train that never ends, and my train is especially long in the wee hours of the night when I am awake doing homework for my masters online.  Back to the voice of reason, lately its come to my attention on the cultural differences between Sweden and America.  For one, Sofie and I talked about having kids and whether we would have our boys circumcised.  At the time, I didn’t give it a second thought, but sofie explained that it was illegal to get circumcised here in Sweden. (We found out later, its not illegal but requires both parents approval.)  This was a few years ago when I was battling an undiscovered condition in my body called Vitamin B deficiency. (It led to me developing very low energy throughout the day and I would have maybe 2-4 hours max of feeling alert.  Sofies been a great help and we both discovered this horrible health condition in January.  (Im much better now.)  Im also prone to wild and voracious tangents so I will have to come back and shorten this.

Circumcision, or known as genital mutilation is something I have investigated for my future children and family children because I never understood how horrible this procedure actually is.  Its brutal, its barbaric, and I hurt thinking about Stefans video showing an actual baby being circumcised, with no anaesthetic, and is strapped spread eagle.  How could doctors think babies did not feel pain again?  I hear it was recently discovered in 90s that children can feel pain, and it makes me wonder what effect this procedure had on me as a child.  Statistically, Im more prone to feeling pain.  I used to be scared to death of the shots I would get as a child.  Now I know why.  I literally would fight my doctors and my own mother when I would get a shot.  I am still contemplating how I will confront my parents about how they could let this happen to me.  If they saw the video I saw, or investigated the way I did.  We wouldn’t have this discussion, I hope.  At least give me the fucking courtesy of having a choice about this as an adult or teenager.  Um, let me think about this, do I want half my erogenous tissue chopped off and causing 4.5 times greater chance of developing erectile disfunction? No.  I will take the time to pull things back and clean up shop every time I shower, just like I do anyways.

Im sitting here thinking to myself, am I really starting a blog talking about the discussion of circumcision…  You’re probably reading this and saying Im not sure if I even like this person yet, but I will continue anyways.  Because this needs to be said.  Male/Female circumcision is wrong, especially when done to babies who have no fucking anaesthetic and even the topical anesthetic given today doesn’t come close to covering the pain felt.  I dare you to go watch it being done and think I would let this happen to my child.  Because you are a barbarian.  I will update everyone how it goes when I do talk to my mother, and then my father.  Ive lately opened up some deeper channels via self-exploration and talking to my grandparents opens up why I am thinking about these issues.  Because it comes down to my earlier mentioning, child abuse.  My father beat me with a belt if I misbehaved and up until I was 24 years old I thought this was acceptable because I was being a mischievous boy.  When I told my counselor this, she told me a child can learn from right and wrong without a belt or spanking, and thats why it is illegal.  Truer words couldn’t have been spoken, because the abuse, circumcision all pain damaged my brain literally and re-wired it into this machine looking for answers.

I recently discovered why I get angry at myself for dropping something, or tripping, or having an accident.  Because my fathers voice is instantly in my head telling me I’m a fucking moron, idiot, coming up short, etc.  However, when my dad fucks up, he’s in denial and refuses to admit he was wrong, until recently when I corrected him for calling me a name.  He was so quick to blame others for his name calling, but wouldn’t actually own up to it until I discussed its about respect.  I would never call him a name and its out of fear and respect for him, and he taught me respect goes both ways and must be earned, etc.  How can you hold someone else to these standards if you aren’t holding them to yourself?  Which brings me to my competition or grounding mechanism.  Universally Preferable Behavior and the Non-Aggresson Principle applied by libertarians, meaning the use of force or violence will never be used on another person.  This includes spanking, yelling, name calling.  Three iron clad rules Sofie and I have are: Never yell at each other, Never call each other names, and never hit or discipline each other because we are human beings, its the 21st century.  We can use our minds and our mouths and ears to communicate our disagreements instead of beating each other.  Just because you are a parent does not give you the right to hit a defenseless child who cannot choose his parents or circumcise him against his will.

Justin

A small introduction

We’re a couple living in southern Sweden. Three years ago, the 11 of April 2012, Justin first came to Sweden, left his life in the USA and moved here to be with me (Sofie). First we lived in Gävle where I studied International Social Work. There we adopted a cat whom we adore and named her Khaleesi.

In this blog you’re going to be able to take part of our life together and we’re both going to share our thoughts and daily lives. Hope you’ll enjoy it!

This is our little beast Khaleesi – the mother of dragons.