I have an uncle!

So recently I have been dealing with mixed issues considering my grandfather as a loving, caring, deeply positive role model when he never smiles in photographs and basically killed himself through binge eating himself to obesity.  Resulting in several heart attacks and ultimately caving to the stress on his heart.

Through this process, I have been grieving for the sake of not grieving because it is seriously a hardship and a sadness that I feel nothing when it comes to my grandfather passing away, and one could say it is because I am thousands of miles away and do not get to see him up close and personal pass away.   I do consider this a factor, but I would still argue that I do not have the loving, caring, hugging, warmness in my body when I think of him.  I think of him as a damaged, poor man who suffered very many tragedies and ultimately tried coping with his problems by eating himself into the grave.  Trying to soothe his brain via pies and chips versus confronting his problems head on.  I know it was truly, truly painful the things he went through.  They say the funniest people in our lives are often the most miserable and this is the experience I have.  So many friends and strangers saying and sending their love and how much they will miss him, but if you truly knew who he was, I feel he was someone much, much different than he resorted towards.

This brings me to my adventure, journey, expedition of finding out who my grandfather truly was, and what exactly caused him so much pain, anguish, and trauma that he resorted to wearing this 5 inch thick steel armor that was as impenetrable as the Hulk or the Juggernaut.  I will start with Sofies family, as they have helped me brainstorm and explore what exactly I am looking for when it comes to my grandfathers life.  He was a very very quiet person until you got on his nerves, then he would yell, and get angry, and almost have tantrums like a little child would.  You’re not going to behave the way I want you to?  Then get out of my house, and do not talk to me again for 4-5 years.  This is what my grandfathers solution was for all family members.  More on this later.  Sofies Aunt and Uncle helped me discover that my grandfather had other siblings who were still alive!  I only knew of his older brother, Roger, but there are two younger siblings.  One of them is 20 years younger than my grandfather!  This is my uncle!  The one in the Title!  I was reconnecting with my uncle because I saw him post on Facebook how much he missed my grandfather and all the good things he had done for him growing up.  Remember, he’s 20 years older than him, and probably had a significant time raising him with football games, playing catch, and taking him for rides in his fancy car!  However, in reconnecting with my uncle, he almost seemed to know exactly what I was searching for in terms of my mixed feelings because he has them too!  He explained that my grandfather had dealt with two of his three children perishing in a horrible flash fire which resulted from a water heater exploding while two children played next to it, maybe they trigged it to explode by turning out the pilot light or something, I do not know.  I suppose the whole house would have exploded then.  However, my infant father was rescued by a neighbor who rushed into the house while it was burning and I do not know if he rescued the two other children.  My father was the only one to come out alive, besides my grandmother but I do not know where she was at the time, I assume my grandfather was working, and my grandmother either became an alcoholic because of this or after.  This information is so helpful because he describes how my grandfather developed this personality that would lack any empathy, one time while my uncle was sleeping, as a child, my grandfather came in, picked him up off the bed, and slammed him down on the bed and scared the ever living out of him.  My great grandmother came in and yelled at him for what he did and apparently, years later, would not come to my uncles wedding because children were not allowed to come, and he refused to go by my uncles wedding terms.

Then finally, probably the most heart-breaking part of the story, is every time my grandfather or his older brother, or even my father drove by my uncles house on the way up to Michigan, he said they would never stop by his exit, they always drove past and never said hello.  And I think of all the cruel things we have experienced in this world, that family is the last thing you should turn your back on.  I am sorry, but my uncle was not an alcoholic, he was not an abusive person, and he was not guilty of any crime other than loving his family and his brothers and the least they could have done was shown a little fucking love back.  Thats what I am pissed off about.  You can be there for birthdays, and graduations, wedding, but if you do not show some fucking loving, hugging, emotional empathy towards kids or siblings or parents.  You deserve to die miserable.  And I refuse to submit to the subjugation our parents put us through just because they are our parents.  Show me some fucking love.  Why else do you have children for?  Stop hurting your kids, and stop neglecting them.  You will not be disappointed, or if you are, then stop having them!

—  Justin —

Feminism

Im gathering significant information regarding equality among the sexes and I don’t know if its because I can’t find strong examples of womens inequality or I am just not looking hard enough.  So far today I have researched the following threads on reddit, /feminism and /mensrights, and both categories I take seriously, because its a big part of my life to have equality for both me and my fiancee.  I don’t want her giving me special treatment just because I am a man but I also don’t give her any special treatment just because she is a woman.

The debates and arguments we carry between each other are usually about who does chores most and there isn’t any mentioning of her doing the dishes just because she is a woman.  I respect and need my fiancee for so many things, that name calling or patronizing her (I have a bad habit of doing this without thinking) is absolutely unacceptable in both her case and mine.  I hold myself to the same standards as she holds herself.  However, we do not live in a perfect world, but we can help each other work these issues out by simply addressing the following:  what do women want from equality and what do men want from equality?  A quick search of top 5 feminists want are: equal pay in the workplace, pro-choice, reducing rape culture, reducing rape, and eliminating worlds oppression of women (countries like Saudi Arabia).  Mens top 5 needs are:  False Accusations (Tied with) male reproductive rights, as in the male having a form of birth control where they can take a pill, as of right now only the woman can decide not to get pregnant.  If the man wants the child and the woman doesn’t, that man loses.  If the man doesn’t want to be involved in the childs upbringing, he’s considered a deadbeat, but a woman who doesn’t want to be part, gives the child up for adoption or not be involved, is accepted.  Removing the notion that all men are rapists or paedophiles, Marily French wrote in her book, The womens room in 1977, we need to hold these perpetrating men responsible, not the entire male gender.  Anti-male double standards, if a woman wants to join a football team, she’s ground-breaking, but if a man wants to break into field hockey, he’s perceived aggressive.  An adult man with a teenage girl, paedophile, disgusting.  An adult woman with a teenage boy, lauded and accepted as a cougar.  The main priority, is fathers rights, men want to have more rights concerning their childrens time and accusations without proof are just that, child support and alimony is often unmanageable, and in many states these rates don’t change with employment status.

What is the overall objective?  I want equal pay and I want equal treatment where it is due.  Primarily in the courts where one can see the damage done to families when males are forcibly removed from their childs lives even if they are not abusers.  Obviously the cases involving abuse and violence are no-brainers.  I am talking about the issues I have seen just in this past week.  A female teacher rapes a 12 year old student, has all evidence stacked against her, and she is not convicted, and she demands getting her job back.  Another woman breaks into a mans apartment, penetrates him while he’s asleep, and gets convicted of “attempted rape”.  I could continue further, but the feminists issues are seemingly broader issues, like Cannes unofficially requiring all women to wear high heel shoes..  While this is a concern, important issues like how women are denied access to pro-choice clinics in Alabama are of more importance in my opinion, or the woman raped in Panama City in broad daylight on a beach with dozens of bystanders watching.  This brings to question a bigger problem we have in the world.  Lack of empathy.

We are growing up in a society that thinks its morally okay to spank or discipline your children and causing permanent physical and psychological damage to their brains.  Dr. Gabor Mate talks in depth about these issues in an interview with Stefan Molyneux about addiction.  Which he defines as any type of behavior designed to distract or consume attention because being alone with your thoughts is just too unbearable to think about.  My final word, stop hurting your kids, stop beating your children, no more spanking, no more violence, and children don’t need to be disciplined, they need to understand why they are wrong in doing things, and its shown to increase their IQ points by up to 4 possibly because explaining actions and right and wrong gives children a time to think and reflect on why they were wrong to hit their friend, or trip someone, or do something else anti-social.   Women have been the primary caregivers for the past 20-30 years since given the rights to no-fault divorce and this has shown a decrease in parental abuse towards spouses, however women are shown statistically to be more violent (up to twice as violent) as their husbands, and while men were more likely to cause injury from fists, women were 85% more likely to use weapons and cause more damage to their husbands as a result.  I have a video detailing these statistics in Stefan Molyneuxs The Truth About Domestic Violence I think you should definitely read.  Women were most likely to hit their spouse as a result of something said to them, while men were most likely to strike their spouse after being struck by their spouse.

— Justin —

Depression

Sometimes the world feels like its crumbling around you but instead of the Earth breaking away from you, it feels like your own body is falling away.  I was taking care of some children today at work and teaching them how to play frisbee.  They really enjoyed learning and they even showed me a new way to throw one.  I don’t know how it worked, but I just accepted it and watched in wonder.  Sometimes you pick up on the subtler things like someone noticing you or getting a call from a friendly voice.  Gabor Mate

Today I decided to get a lot of chores done because having a clean house is always uplifting.  Especially when you have company (Khaleesi watching and begging for food).  I can’t say she begs, but we have this understanding between us.  When she looks up at a cupboard, or hops on a chair in front of a closet, I know she is telling me something.  Because usually her day consists of watching Cat TV (out the window or balcony) and not being bothered by me.  However, sometimes she will start randomly climbing her tree in our bedroom and kick wildly against the twine column.  On a side note, I enjoy watching her sleep at the end of our bed and have that heavy sensation in the front of her face. (She lays her chin completely down against the bed where I know she is comfortable and about to start dreaming.  Lately she has been very energetic and dreaming vividly as well, her paws stretch and shake while her tail vibrates and shakes.  She’s probably chasing imaginary birds because earlier she made a giants leap off the bed when she heard a flock of birds flying past our balcony!  (OMG She might catch one if it flies through the net!)

Back to the human reality, I made some deviled eggs after talking with my grandmother today.  She always made the best deviled eggs and Im proud to say my first attempt is a big success thanks to Sofie and her cooking lessons.  Before I met Sofie, I probably couldn’t cook a decent hamburger or hotdog because I had grown up with my dad or uncle always managing the grill.  Even fourth of July and Memorial Day weekends didn’t have me firing up any grills, probably because I’m not a huge fan of steak.  Any who, Sofie started me off slowly and I began cutting vegetables in the beginning (I can’t really handle cutting meat because it just grosses me out, chicken especially.) but onions, peppers, lettuce, tomatoes, I could handle them all thanks to her.  She’s showed me so many things over the past 5 years, and she continues showing me new things every day.  I love her immensely for the things she has taught me and many other things.  Mostly the way she laughs when were out with friends or family.  It feels impossible to not relate to her or have a positive experience with her because she’s so caring and so warm.  Sometimes when I have those dark thoughts surging up through my super-ego it brings me to my knees, but when I think of her and our future together it makes me feel relaxed and aimed towards a goal.

The surge of emotions I’m talking about is what my brother and I like to call “The Storm” because seemingly out of nowhere a person can be or feel crippled by the world or mind closing in on your personality.  It feels as if a rising storm surge is spattering against the rocks of your foundations and the tide slowly rises with the incoming category 4 or 5 hurricane beading down your walls and hoping they won’t crack before the storm subsides. Inevitably, the storm does go away, I feel myself coming back to reality and reasoning it is going to be okay.  The sun shine comes and my thoughts are clear again, the only problem is holding out for that storm to subside.  Usually I have these thoughts late at night when I am alone with my thoughts.  The English psychiatrist R. D. Lang said “There are three things people fear most, their own death, other people, and their own mind.”  I couldnt agree more with the last part because at times it feels like my mind is completely going back and forth without a rational way of dealing with it.  How do we get over this, alone time with our brains create an uneasiness that I think most people can understand.  Its partly why I wind up here on the internet and writing to everyone.  I know other people out there like to hear or read the same things they may be feeling at the same particular moment or like I consider when needing a voice of reason I listen to Stefan.  I recently subscribed to his listenership and I am contemplating writing in to his show to see what kind of debates or ideas I can bring up together.  I am half scared I will end up being unsure and messing up the show by not answering consistently or proficiently.  What else can I say than YOLO and do some preparation and go for it!

“This was one of the best moments in my life.  Rhode Island with my Honey Bunny.”

— Justin —

What is love?

The definition prescribed by my mentor Stefan Molyneux is that love is related to virtue, and how our virtues measure up with our partner meaning they agree with your virtues.  For example, not beating your children or partner, never yelling or raising your voice to another, or never calling each other names are virtues we can and should all ascribe to.  Stefans definition is also related to philosophical ideas.  Virtues were developed by philosophers like Aristotle and expanded upon by writers like Ayn Rand.  Rands definition of virtue was focused on the vice: Altruism.  She described altruism as the suffering of one to benefit the other.  This is particularly intriguing for me because if you love someone out of duty or honor or subservience, it is not out of the goodness of your being.  Instead its a focus on sacrificing your happiness for the happiness of others.  As I described before, Universally Preferable Behavior is a concept I am sticking meticulously towards because it benefits all parties involved, not just public entities but private and familial relationships too.  Family relationships and friends are vital for the trust and reliability to benefit each other.

Altruism, the opposite, or vice of Objectivism is the universally preferable behavior for all parties involved because it is deemed a win-win scenario in most cases for those involved.  Some specific scenarios like, if hitler and churchill were both drowning in a lake, you would save churchill and abandon hitler because saving an evil entity for the sake of altruism is a great injustice towards humanity.  In other words, performing an act of saving another life is only valid if you could not bear to live without that person.  If your wife or husband was drowning and you decided it would be unbearable to live without that person, you would jump into the icy cold waters and save their life and potentially killing yourself would be a greater benefit to you and your family than if your wife or husband were left to drown.  I could not bear to see myself live alone without my fiancee and therefore would have to go in and save her otherwise i would feel my life was pointless.  Or maybe I couldn’t forgive myself if I froze up and let her die and thus would have serious regrets later on.  Regrets are not unusual though, and people that die saying “I have no regrets” are liars and cowards because that means they don’t regret bullying or hurting another person they love in a prior situation.

I regret plenty of things in my life, I regret spending four years with my prior girlfriend before Sofie.  I regret pushing her and yelling at her.  I regret hurting my brother and sister in our childhood years, bullying them, antagonizing them, and patronizing them.  I regret hurting my friends Kevin by telling him to lose weight, and hitting my first girlfriend and simultaneously getting into a car accident because of it.  I rammed my car into the house, and it was a very scary moment for me.  My rage has been my ultimate regret because it has been used unsuccessfully to make myself feel better and has poisoned my relationships in the past.  Today, however, I am confronting my rage, my personal injustices and I feel great knowing I can control my anger so that it doesn’t become an uncontrollable rage.  Just now I knocked over some cookies and a lotion bottle from my night stand.  My immediate thought was, anger.  Why am I agree at knocking something over? It happens.  When Sofie knocks something over or hurts herself I don’t get mad and she has taught me to be more empathetic.  Why am I not empathetic you may ask, because the reason I feel anger when knocking something over, or if I trip myself, or hit my knee on the bedside.  Its because my fathers words are still inside telling me I am worthless, Im a klutz, or a bozo, or a dumb ass, or a person that shouldn’t be making mistakes.  I have lived in Sweden for nearly 3 years now, and spent 9 years in the U.S. military prior to this.  I have been away from home for several years, and I have discovered why I made such a good soldier…

My whole military career I was never good at much, my shining virtue or vice in the military was that I was good at taking orders.  This is a dangerous aspect of altruism as I will explain.  The soldiers in the second world war did not question sending jews into gas chambers and killing six million jews.  Altruism is taking the ideas of a megalomaniac and letting them tell you to kill others based on a false ideology.  Instead of talking things out and solving matters with discussion, they called upon soldiers to carry out the good of their country by sacrificing themselves and laying down their free will to kill in terms of an irrational cause.  This is why religion and governments are so dangerous because they take things by force (taxes and wars and arresting) people who do not obey their laws.  92% of americas prisoners are non-violent offenders meaning they are the failed result of the war on drugs.  Governments are only supposed to be there to keep violence off the streets, not arrest drug addicts and users.  But I will save this subject for another time.

My altruism was planted in my deep childhood recesses.  Starting with my circumcision, my brain told me the world did not want me, it wanted to hurt me.  So I developed an insane fear of needles and my dad would yell at me whenever I knocked things over even as a baby and toddler.  How does this make sense?  Abuse and yelling and neglect or abandonment are all actions our parents have over us children.  Defenseless children do not have a choice who their parents will be.  They only have a choice to how they can channel it.  Addiction comes from failed brain circuits developing and result in external medicine needed.  Addiction is a disease, not a crime, and these people are willing to waste away because of it.  “its not death they fear, its LIFE that they fear” because they’ve been raised in a world that tells them they are unwanted.  They are not needed and as a result their brain develops misshapen.  Doctors can look at PET scans and actually see the brain is damaged and does not develop absolutely necessary neural pathways needed for successful brain function.

Justin