After a good nights rest, I have figured I would jar loose more memories I personally had with my grandfather and they have to do with the last two or three times I met with him at our favorite italian restaurant. My graduation from college was arguably one of the happiest times of my life, and proved I could persevere at the expense of my own mind and body through something so difficult yet come out on top. I do not remember my grandfather being there, and I do not know if this is because he was not there or that he could not be there. Either way, it was probably soon after I saw him there again with my brother and sister. This time I do remember him treating my Aunts daughter, a loving, playful little girl with nothing but love and spark inside her, being snuffed out by her grandfathers yelling or sharp words. I remember thinking to myself, I am scared again by his negative energy. He had a sting of cruelty in his words and attitude towards her, and it leads me to several other reasons why I am so appalled and shocked by these actions.
First, my grandfather did this to us with the yelling and scaring of us kids. Which seemed to take away from the moment or hurt the kids both subjected to the abuse and the kids around him who were dumbfounded at his loud scary attitude.
The second, and probably the worst I fear, is the idleness or indifference of me, the girls mother, her father, my brother, my sister, cousins, my father, aunts, uncles, no one stepped in and said do not be so cruel and scary to this sweet poor girl who was doing nobody harm. She was just being a kid… This hurt me on another level because family is meant to be the nicest, and most respectful, towards all kids and adults. We have to help each other and I know now is not the time to dig up old wounds and there is an enormous amount of dysfunction I am panning over concerning my fathers relationship to my grandfather, and why they did not have a close bond until after my grandfathers first heart attack. I will continue how important it is for others to step in and take care of their children, and protect them from abusers especially within the family. My family stepping aside idly while children were being scorned is not okay. This is how damaging relationships are formed between kids and their parents or grandparents. My grandmother used to wave a spoon at us kids if we got especially rowdy, and my moms father would yell at us if we did something wrong, once again there was no talking, why this is important, why do we think it is important to learn from the mistake we just made. I am not saying parents should not parent, but I am saying there is a difference between yelling at a child or striking them, compared to walking up to them, kneeling down towards them, and talking to them. The most memorable moments I have with my family members are the times when things were calm and reflective. Especially with my dad and his father.
After Sofie read some of my previous post, she commented how I have an almost identical sense of humor as my grandfather in that people do not know whether I am joking or not, this gets even more interesting while I speak Swedish! They literally do not have any idea I am joking until I start saying extravagant numbers. I do not know whether I am not being paid attention to or that type of humor just falls flat around my fiancees family. However, other times I will be completely honest with people, and then they think I am joking because it seems so ridiculous when I tell the truth that it comes off insincere. I do not know why this occurs, because it seems to have developed since the year 2009. I am not sure whether to deem this a problem or an advantage because it makes me feel like I am not communicating properly or have a problem showing the right emotions when explaining things. I think it is an ambiguous trait and maybe I am over analyzing it. However, I would like to explore this further and make a note of it for later consideration.
Finally, I will talk a little bit more about the kind of abuse I think my grandfather suffered to become such a cold, firm, and hardened man towards his kids and everyone around him. As a child himself, It would seem someone used that exact tone with him when he was growing up, we often pick up the most basic or fundamental aspects of child parenting from our parents and this is flawed because we should honor, respect, and teach our kids in a calm, submissive state with reflection and care. This literally triggers the brain towards listening to your lecture and gives them a lesson, their prefrontal cortex can absorb and understand why this certain behavior is unacceptable or how it could lead to problems interacting with other kids or adults. For example, talking to a child who is walking or crawling underneath tables at a restaurant may not be a dangerous event, but it should be addressed by parents why do you think it is not okay to crawl around under tables? What could happen if someone accidentally kicks you? Or something simpler like why is it not okay to hit your cousin or yell at him. I find it most interesting how we correct bad behavior in children yet we may miss bad behavior in adults and rationalize it. Yelling or spanking or disciplining a child involves the use of force, in other words, using your size and bullying a child into doing something you want them to do. If you are trying to protect them from harm, like if they’re walking close to the edge of the Grand Canyon, you are going to tackle them. Because you are saving their life or preventing them from harm. However, my grandfather must have been raised with the yelling and threatening undertones of his mother and or father. Im guessing my grandfathers father or mother did not work much during his early years as a child, but I could only guess what kind of trauma he suffered growing up never throwing away food, etc. It must have been a horrible time to be a child, and his mother was not well liked by my moms grandparents, describing my grandfathers mother as very guarded towards them, but very open and firm control over her side of the family. I do not know if this was due to fear, but I it sounds like something coming from respect and not love. A loving person, this is just my opinion, would be communicating with their new grandsons wife, and interested in communicating with her. Not only her, but my moms parents should have poked and got to know my dads side of the family. They are the ones letting their daughter marry into this dysfunctionality. I find it hard to believe my moms parents did not have a more active role in their daughters life, who is she marrying into? My moms grandmother and my moms sister both instantly did not like my dad upon meeting him because he was “phony” or unrealistic. He put on a show, and was all smiles and rainbows when they met him. Half my mothers family was fooled and took this at face value, but the other half saw this and had the initial reaction for her (my mom) to run for the hills!
This is the other half of abuse I want to talk about, and maybe I should save for another post, but the person who chooses the abuser, why does this occur? You see someone who is obviously expressing red flags via flirting with other women, (this was my father as he dated my mother) and NOT discussing how they would raise their kids. My mom can sit and blame my father for all the hurtful, cruel, and emotionally abusing person he was, but in the end she chose him to be her loftly wedded husband. Despite knowing his lack of empathy, and not addressing him flirting with other women (mostly waitresses). She let it sit in the back of her mind and brew. My grandmother had one or possibly few conversations with my mom before marrying my dad, recognizing her daughter had cold feet when wedding plans started coming together. My question to my moms father is this, why did you not care or have an active role in fishing out this man interested in your daughter? You are a man, and you know what can go on in mens heads, but my dad had found easy prey because there was essentially no bond between my mother and her father. Why was there no bond? Because he was a workaholic who moved his family several times at the expense of his family and left my mother feeling isolated and friendless every time they moved. The abuse of neglect is just as effective if not worse because it leads to children feeling abandoned. If I child spends more than 20 hours away from their mother every week, their body tells them they are being abandoned and prepares for fighting or defending for itself.
Sorry for the aimless rant, but I need for there to be focus on the dangers of letting a loved one fall into a toxic, hurtful, and bottomless pit of emotional abuse, violence, neglect, and manipulation. This goes both ways too, why did my family not step in when they saw me dating a female version of my father? Why did the women in my family not protect me from a life of damaging abuse and manipulation in my “phony” girlfriend? My dad figured I would get tired of it after awhile, that was his response to me breaking up with her, and my womanly influence was consoling but agreed with me after the fact, that my ex-gf was a nice girl, but did not measure up. Now I am proud to say my fiancee is “exactly the type of girl my mother planned me to end up with.” This carries significant value for me and allows me to emotionally dive in full throttle and work at everything to make these efforts worthwhile. Sofie and her family are a much more functional family and inspire me to bring my family up to the same speed if not more because I care for everyone in my inner circle to be non-aggressive, non-yelling, and non-name calling.
I see my cousins writing posts on their Facebook that my grandfather was a loving, caring, and great man. I cannot help but feel mixed emotions when reading this. Is my cousin only saying this because he has a different image in his head than the actual person? I do not remember my grandfather being loving, ever. Do I feel sad that I do not feel an emotional connection with him? Yes. Very much so. I feel like I have been robbed of a stronger relationship with him because of petty disagreements between him and my father. I asked Sofie what she thought of him when they met once, and she thought he was very nice. That he was very quiet, and did not say much. I made the comment he was completely different than he usually was, probably because he was not raising his voice and he was very pleasant to talk to. I am not trying to be harsh on my grandfather. I loved him and appreciated the time he spent with me, but I cannot help but feel sad at the amount of emptiness I feel. I feel I was robbed of many more years together and never could pierce his armor and find out what kind of closer person he was. I grieve because of the connection I wish I had. I know he was a more interesting and complex person, and I will change this with my family and future kids.
— Justin —
American living in Sweden 