Missing America

The cow pasture

It is obvious there are family, friends, and closeness with these people I have missed for the past 3 years in Sweden.  Sometimes it baffles me the time has gone without really knowing it because I barely see my family or hear from them.  When I first joined the navy in 2002, it was an exciting adventure and scary challenges awaited me in bootcamp.  Then things settled down until I exited the navy in 2011.  When I tell people I was in for 9 years, it makes them shake their heads and not believe I worked there so long!

However, I find it ironic they call military service “volunteering” since the definition of volunteer is to do something without seeking pay or financial compensation.  I have a new job starting up for me this week and I have two other jobs keeping me busy while this one begins.  I have sudden bursts of happiness and sadness at the prospect of succeeding or failing at my new summer job.  I got a call from the department boss today, and he almost let me go because I had just woken up and did not know the answer to his question.  It turns out later he asked me about scheduling an appointment and he said it so fast I could not understand.  When I gathered a response he was literally standing by with the ultimatum.  It gave me a bad taste and memory of what it was like having a job where people walk all over you without giving a shred of respect.  I suppose if I want respect I will have to give it, and I am planning a way to get in touch with him in the future and have a five minute conversation about what exactly went on that morning when he called since I just had awakened.

Part of me wants to let this go, but another part wants me to confront the issue of “lack” of communication by taking the proactive step of initiating conversation and discussing what is expected and any issues with me not understanding him.  I underwent three interviews with this person and each time he was very responsive and alert to my questions and answering them.  He was very happy to call me in for the appointment to hire me, and for there to be an ultimatum right after being hired is only understandable if he explain what exactly is his thought process.  I know this is a bit complicated, but I want to establish a communication line between him where I do not feel terrified the next time I talk to him I will feel threatened at being let go.  I think it would be in both our interests if we have a discussion and try to establish some set rules or boundaries.  I hate to feel I am starting my first summer job on the wrong foot, but I want to initiate this conversation maybe tomorrow after meeting my booked appointment.  I am planning to keep it simple and maybe have a two minute conversation over the phone since he is probably busy or not in the office.  I want him to know I am not afraid to communicate and will be focused on doing well.

—  Justin —

A worrisome day in Sweden

Yesterday was Mother’s Day in Sweden and my fiancées grandmother had a severe stroke and was found next to her bed by her son early on Sunday. I’m worried because we do not know how long she laid there until she was found. I cannot imagine the fear and helplessness to have a loss of half my body and be stranded next to my own bed. My thoughts hopes and prayers go out to her and her family I hope she recovers but the doctors do not know if she will recover much since she was not found for too long. If you are suffering a stroke or heart attack I heard you’re supposed to make a fist with the hand and pound your chest because it focuses your mind and gives you enough focus to find a phone and call 112 or 911 in USA.

This week has not been a happy one. My grandfather passed away last week and Sofies grandma had a stroke now and it is really sad news. It makes me more focused on having something to look forward to like kids and creating the circle of life. Instead of seeing the end of the circle, I want to help others and be close with those who will listen to being close and hugging each other instead of yelling and hurting each other. Establish those bonds early in your children’s lives and they will be closer to you than you thought possible. I want those kinds of relationships with others and will work my best to help others find their emotions and empathy.

— Justin —

I have an uncle!

So recently I have been dealing with mixed issues considering my grandfather as a loving, caring, deeply positive role model when he never smiles in photographs and basically killed himself through binge eating himself to obesity.  Resulting in several heart attacks and ultimately caving to the stress on his heart.

Through this process, I have been grieving for the sake of not grieving because it is seriously a hardship and a sadness that I feel nothing when it comes to my grandfather passing away, and one could say it is because I am thousands of miles away and do not get to see him up close and personal pass away.   I do consider this a factor, but I would still argue that I do not have the loving, caring, hugging, warmness in my body when I think of him.  I think of him as a damaged, poor man who suffered very many tragedies and ultimately tried coping with his problems by eating himself into the grave.  Trying to soothe his brain via pies and chips versus confronting his problems head on.  I know it was truly, truly painful the things he went through.  They say the funniest people in our lives are often the most miserable and this is the experience I have.  So many friends and strangers saying and sending their love and how much they will miss him, but if you truly knew who he was, I feel he was someone much, much different than he resorted towards.

This brings me to my adventure, journey, expedition of finding out who my grandfather truly was, and what exactly caused him so much pain, anguish, and trauma that he resorted to wearing this 5 inch thick steel armor that was as impenetrable as the Hulk or the Juggernaut.  I will start with Sofies family, as they have helped me brainstorm and explore what exactly I am looking for when it comes to my grandfathers life.  He was a very very quiet person until you got on his nerves, then he would yell, and get angry, and almost have tantrums like a little child would.  You’re not going to behave the way I want you to?  Then get out of my house, and do not talk to me again for 4-5 years.  This is what my grandfathers solution was for all family members.  More on this later.  Sofies Aunt and Uncle helped me discover that my grandfather had other siblings who were still alive!  I only knew of his older brother, Roger, but there are two younger siblings.  One of them is 20 years younger than my grandfather!  This is my uncle!  The one in the Title!  I was reconnecting with my uncle because I saw him post on Facebook how much he missed my grandfather and all the good things he had done for him growing up.  Remember, he’s 20 years older than him, and probably had a significant time raising him with football games, playing catch, and taking him for rides in his fancy car!  However, in reconnecting with my uncle, he almost seemed to know exactly what I was searching for in terms of my mixed feelings because he has them too!  He explained that my grandfather had dealt with two of his three children perishing in a horrible flash fire which resulted from a water heater exploding while two children played next to it, maybe they trigged it to explode by turning out the pilot light or something, I do not know.  I suppose the whole house would have exploded then.  However, my infant father was rescued by a neighbor who rushed into the house while it was burning and I do not know if he rescued the two other children.  My father was the only one to come out alive, besides my grandmother but I do not know where she was at the time, I assume my grandfather was working, and my grandmother either became an alcoholic because of this or after.  This information is so helpful because he describes how my grandfather developed this personality that would lack any empathy, one time while my uncle was sleeping, as a child, my grandfather came in, picked him up off the bed, and slammed him down on the bed and scared the ever living out of him.  My great grandmother came in and yelled at him for what he did and apparently, years later, would not come to my uncles wedding because children were not allowed to come, and he refused to go by my uncles wedding terms.

Then finally, probably the most heart-breaking part of the story, is every time my grandfather or his older brother, or even my father drove by my uncles house on the way up to Michigan, he said they would never stop by his exit, they always drove past and never said hello.  And I think of all the cruel things we have experienced in this world, that family is the last thing you should turn your back on.  I am sorry, but my uncle was not an alcoholic, he was not an abusive person, and he was not guilty of any crime other than loving his family and his brothers and the least they could have done was shown a little fucking love back.  Thats what I am pissed off about.  You can be there for birthdays, and graduations, wedding, but if you do not show some fucking loving, hugging, emotional empathy towards kids or siblings or parents.  You deserve to die miserable.  And I refuse to submit to the subjugation our parents put us through just because they are our parents.  Show me some fucking love.  Why else do you have children for?  Stop hurting your kids, and stop neglecting them.  You will not be disappointed, or if you are, then stop having them!

—  Justin —

Depression

Sometimes the world feels like its crumbling around you but instead of the Earth breaking away from you, it feels like your own body is falling away.  I was taking care of some children today at work and teaching them how to play frisbee.  They really enjoyed learning and they even showed me a new way to throw one.  I don’t know how it worked, but I just accepted it and watched in wonder.  Sometimes you pick up on the subtler things like someone noticing you or getting a call from a friendly voice.  Gabor Mate

Today I decided to get a lot of chores done because having a clean house is always uplifting.  Especially when you have company (Khaleesi watching and begging for food).  I can’t say she begs, but we have this understanding between us.  When she looks up at a cupboard, or hops on a chair in front of a closet, I know she is telling me something.  Because usually her day consists of watching Cat TV (out the window or balcony) and not being bothered by me.  However, sometimes she will start randomly climbing her tree in our bedroom and kick wildly against the twine column.  On a side note, I enjoy watching her sleep at the end of our bed and have that heavy sensation in the front of her face. (She lays her chin completely down against the bed where I know she is comfortable and about to start dreaming.  Lately she has been very energetic and dreaming vividly as well, her paws stretch and shake while her tail vibrates and shakes.  She’s probably chasing imaginary birds because earlier she made a giants leap off the bed when she heard a flock of birds flying past our balcony!  (OMG She might catch one if it flies through the net!)

Back to the human reality, I made some deviled eggs after talking with my grandmother today.  She always made the best deviled eggs and Im proud to say my first attempt is a big success thanks to Sofie and her cooking lessons.  Before I met Sofie, I probably couldn’t cook a decent hamburger or hotdog because I had grown up with my dad or uncle always managing the grill.  Even fourth of July and Memorial Day weekends didn’t have me firing up any grills, probably because I’m not a huge fan of steak.  Any who, Sofie started me off slowly and I began cutting vegetables in the beginning (I can’t really handle cutting meat because it just grosses me out, chicken especially.) but onions, peppers, lettuce, tomatoes, I could handle them all thanks to her.  She’s showed me so many things over the past 5 years, and she continues showing me new things every day.  I love her immensely for the things she has taught me and many other things.  Mostly the way she laughs when were out with friends or family.  It feels impossible to not relate to her or have a positive experience with her because she’s so caring and so warm.  Sometimes when I have those dark thoughts surging up through my super-ego it brings me to my knees, but when I think of her and our future together it makes me feel relaxed and aimed towards a goal.

The surge of emotions I’m talking about is what my brother and I like to call “The Storm” because seemingly out of nowhere a person can be or feel crippled by the world or mind closing in on your personality.  It feels as if a rising storm surge is spattering against the rocks of your foundations and the tide slowly rises with the incoming category 4 or 5 hurricane beading down your walls and hoping they won’t crack before the storm subsides. Inevitably, the storm does go away, I feel myself coming back to reality and reasoning it is going to be okay.  The sun shine comes and my thoughts are clear again, the only problem is holding out for that storm to subside.  Usually I have these thoughts late at night when I am alone with my thoughts.  The English psychiatrist R. D. Lang said “There are three things people fear most, their own death, other people, and their own mind.”  I couldnt agree more with the last part because at times it feels like my mind is completely going back and forth without a rational way of dealing with it.  How do we get over this, alone time with our brains create an uneasiness that I think most people can understand.  Its partly why I wind up here on the internet and writing to everyone.  I know other people out there like to hear or read the same things they may be feeling at the same particular moment or like I consider when needing a voice of reason I listen to Stefan.  I recently subscribed to his listenership and I am contemplating writing in to his show to see what kind of debates or ideas I can bring up together.  I am half scared I will end up being unsure and messing up the show by not answering consistently or proficiently.  What else can I say than YOLO and do some preparation and go for it!

“This was one of the best moments in my life.  Rhode Island with my Honey Bunny.”

— Justin —