Depression

Sometimes the world feels like its crumbling around you but instead of the Earth breaking away from you, it feels like your own body is falling away.  I was taking care of some children today at work and teaching them how to play frisbee.  They really enjoyed learning and they even showed me a new way to throw one.  I don’t know how it worked, but I just accepted it and watched in wonder.  Sometimes you pick up on the subtler things like someone noticing you or getting a call from a friendly voice.  Gabor Mate

Today I decided to get a lot of chores done because having a clean house is always uplifting.  Especially when you have company (Khaleesi watching and begging for food).  I can’t say she begs, but we have this understanding between us.  When she looks up at a cupboard, or hops on a chair in front of a closet, I know she is telling me something.  Because usually her day consists of watching Cat TV (out the window or balcony) and not being bothered by me.  However, sometimes she will start randomly climbing her tree in our bedroom and kick wildly against the twine column.  On a side note, I enjoy watching her sleep at the end of our bed and have that heavy sensation in the front of her face. (She lays her chin completely down against the bed where I know she is comfortable and about to start dreaming.  Lately she has been very energetic and dreaming vividly as well, her paws stretch and shake while her tail vibrates and shakes.  She’s probably chasing imaginary birds because earlier she made a giants leap off the bed when she heard a flock of birds flying past our balcony!  (OMG She might catch one if it flies through the net!)

Back to the human reality, I made some deviled eggs after talking with my grandmother today.  She always made the best deviled eggs and Im proud to say my first attempt is a big success thanks to Sofie and her cooking lessons.  Before I met Sofie, I probably couldn’t cook a decent hamburger or hotdog because I had grown up with my dad or uncle always managing the grill.  Even fourth of July and Memorial Day weekends didn’t have me firing up any grills, probably because I’m not a huge fan of steak.  Any who, Sofie started me off slowly and I began cutting vegetables in the beginning (I can’t really handle cutting meat because it just grosses me out, chicken especially.) but onions, peppers, lettuce, tomatoes, I could handle them all thanks to her.  She’s showed me so many things over the past 5 years, and she continues showing me new things every day.  I love her immensely for the things she has taught me and many other things.  Mostly the way she laughs when were out with friends or family.  It feels impossible to not relate to her or have a positive experience with her because she’s so caring and so warm.  Sometimes when I have those dark thoughts surging up through my super-ego it brings me to my knees, but when I think of her and our future together it makes me feel relaxed and aimed towards a goal.

The surge of emotions I’m talking about is what my brother and I like to call “The Storm” because seemingly out of nowhere a person can be or feel crippled by the world or mind closing in on your personality.  It feels as if a rising storm surge is spattering against the rocks of your foundations and the tide slowly rises with the incoming category 4 or 5 hurricane beading down your walls and hoping they won’t crack before the storm subsides. Inevitably, the storm does go away, I feel myself coming back to reality and reasoning it is going to be okay.  The sun shine comes and my thoughts are clear again, the only problem is holding out for that storm to subside.  Usually I have these thoughts late at night when I am alone with my thoughts.  The English psychiatrist R. D. Lang said “There are three things people fear most, their own death, other people, and their own mind.”  I couldnt agree more with the last part because at times it feels like my mind is completely going back and forth without a rational way of dealing with it.  How do we get over this, alone time with our brains create an uneasiness that I think most people can understand.  Its partly why I wind up here on the internet and writing to everyone.  I know other people out there like to hear or read the same things they may be feeling at the same particular moment or like I consider when needing a voice of reason I listen to Stefan.  I recently subscribed to his listenership and I am contemplating writing in to his show to see what kind of debates or ideas I can bring up together.  I am half scared I will end up being unsure and messing up the show by not answering consistently or proficiently.  What else can I say than YOLO and do some preparation and go for it!

“This was one of the best moments in my life.  Rhode Island with my Honey Bunny.”

— Justin —