So recently I have been dealing with mixed issues considering my grandfather as a loving, caring, deeply positive role model when he never smiles in photographs and basically killed himself through binge eating himself to obesity. Resulting in several heart attacks and ultimately caving to the stress on his heart.
Through this process, I have been grieving for the sake of not grieving because it is seriously a hardship and a sadness that I feel nothing when it comes to my grandfather passing away, and one could say it is because I am thousands of miles away and do not get to see him up close and personal pass away. I do consider this a factor, but I would still argue that I do not have the loving, caring, hugging, warmness in my body when I think of him. I think of him as a damaged, poor man who suffered very many tragedies and ultimately tried coping with his problems by eating himself into the grave. Trying to soothe his brain via pies and chips versus confronting his problems head on. I know it was truly, truly painful the things he went through. They say the funniest people in our lives are often the most miserable and this is the experience I have. So many friends and strangers saying and sending their love and how much they will miss him, but if you truly knew who he was, I feel he was someone much, much different than he resorted towards.
This brings me to my adventure, journey, expedition of finding out who my grandfather truly was, and what exactly caused him so much pain, anguish, and trauma that he resorted to wearing this 5 inch thick steel armor that was as impenetrable as the Hulk or the Juggernaut. I will start with Sofies family, as they have helped me brainstorm and explore what exactly I am looking for when it comes to my grandfathers life. He was a very very quiet person until you got on his nerves, then he would yell, and get angry, and almost have tantrums like a little child would. You’re not going to behave the way I want you to? Then get out of my house, and do not talk to me again for 4-5 years. This is what my grandfathers solution was for all family members. More on this later. Sofies Aunt and Uncle helped me discover that my grandfather had other siblings who were still alive! I only knew of his older brother, Roger, but there are two younger siblings. One of them is 20 years younger than my grandfather! This is my uncle! The one in the Title! I was reconnecting with my uncle because I saw him post on Facebook how much he missed my grandfather and all the good things he had done for him growing up. Remember, he’s 20 years older than him, and probably had a significant time raising him with football games, playing catch, and taking him for rides in his fancy car! However, in reconnecting with my uncle, he almost seemed to know exactly what I was searching for in terms of my mixed feelings because he has them too! He explained that my grandfather had dealt with two of his three children perishing in a horrible flash fire which resulted from a water heater exploding while two children played next to it, maybe they trigged it to explode by turning out the pilot light or something, I do not know. I suppose the whole house would have exploded then. However, my infant father was rescued by a neighbor who rushed into the house while it was burning and I do not know if he rescued the two other children. My father was the only one to come out alive, besides my grandmother but I do not know where she was at the time, I assume my grandfather was working, and my grandmother either became an alcoholic because of this or after. This information is so helpful because he describes how my grandfather developed this personality that would lack any empathy, one time while my uncle was sleeping, as a child, my grandfather came in, picked him up off the bed, and slammed him down on the bed and scared the ever living out of him. My great grandmother came in and yelled at him for what he did and apparently, years later, would not come to my uncles wedding because children were not allowed to come, and he refused to go by my uncles wedding terms.
Then finally, probably the most heart-breaking part of the story, is every time my grandfather or his older brother, or even my father drove by my uncles house on the way up to Michigan, he said they would never stop by his exit, they always drove past and never said hello. And I think of all the cruel things we have experienced in this world, that family is the last thing you should turn your back on. I am sorry, but my uncle was not an alcoholic, he was not an abusive person, and he was not guilty of any crime other than loving his family and his brothers and the least they could have done was shown a little fucking love back. Thats what I am pissed off about. You can be there for birthdays, and graduations, wedding, but if you do not show some fucking loving, hugging, emotional empathy towards kids or siblings or parents. You deserve to die miserable. And I refuse to submit to the subjugation our parents put us through just because they are our parents. Show me some fucking love. Why else do you have children for? Stop hurting your kids, and stop neglecting them. You will not be disappointed, or if you are, then stop having them!
— Justin —